Week 60- I Should Just BE Better

 Aloha 皆、

Sorry no email last week I don't know why but I didn't feel like it. Also this one is kinda long, and pretty personal so feel free to read 'em, or don't. God gave us agency.

Going off of my last email. Talking about growing through trials, one of the main reasons I came out on my mission was extremely selfish. I just wanted/needed to be a better person. I think God has a pretty funny sense of humor because it was like “ok wish granted” and smacked me in the Utah Orem mission. But while I was on my mission in Utah I was obsessed with becoming this better person. Looking back, I think I was so obsessed with being this “better person” because I felt like I had to prove my worth to others that I had hurt. Or who knew these terrible things I had done. I wanted to prove that I belonged and I wanted to feel peace. From those feelings stems the thought that consumed my mind. 

“I just NEED to be better”

But then the mission got hard. I didn't know what I was doing, and my reasons for being on a MISSION were shallow. 

“I could just be trying to be a better person at home.”

Again. It's like God heard my wish and said “okay”. I've come to learn, God is like the genie in the lamp. We ask for one thing and expect it to come a certain way. Most of the time it does not work like that. 

Going home I felt like a failure. I felt like I proved everyone who had ever thought “woah, THIS guy is going on a mission?!” Right. I was so angry, I was so remorseful, I was so confused. 

“I should just BE better”

I wasn't thinking “I should try to be better”, I just SHOULD be this better person. This pressure suffocated me. I felt angry at my previous trainer, angry at my mission President, angry at everyone else around me. 

But in reality I was just angry at myself. 

For what? 

I didn't even know. 

There's this trap that Satan has for us. In the journey to become more like Jesus Christ we are able to recognize how truly imperfect we are as human beings. Our very nature as 'man’ is God's enemy.

Mosiah 3:19 reminds us of this as it reads:

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever~”

So in order to become disciples of Christ we have to put off our very nature. Do you know how hard that is? We compare like we breathe. We let negative emotions like hate, greed, lust, and envy linger in the back of our minds, most times without even realizing it. The more you struggle to become more like Christ, the more you realize just how seemingly impossible it is.

But yet the Savior even invites us to be perfect in Matthew 5:48:

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

In all of this lies Satan's trap. As we struggle to become better people we realize just HOW FAR we really are from being like Christ. We start to recognize every little imperfection. In ourselves and others. In my experience when I've recognized this fact I start to panic. I feel as though I have to do this all by myself and instantly. I fail to realize the true nature of this invitation and fall into the trap that Satan sets.

“I should just be better”

In his talk “The Imperfect Harvest” Elder Vern P. Stanfield says:

“Remember that perfectionism is not the same as being perfected in Christ. Perfectionism requires an impossible, self-inflicted standard that compares us to others. This causes guilt and anxiety and can make us want to withdraw and isolate ourselves.”

Real

On exchanges with one of the Elders in the Zone (W Payne 長老) we talked a lot about repentance and forgiveness. We talked about how our past and mistakes can weigh us down and make it feel as though we are unworthy. Payne 長老 shared that his father told him, “We often hear the words forgive and forget. But Heavenly Father chooses to forgive and remember no more” 

For me it's so hard to grasp that concept. If Heavenly Father forgets our sin, and our mistake when we repent through Jesus Christ, then we should too. But that's something I struggle with. 

“Am I really forgiven?”

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I don't feel worthy. Sometimes I just don't feel adequate to receive grace.

Talk about an impossible self inflicted standard. 

His dad went on to say:

“If we ask God to forgive and forget our sins, and our purpose is to become like God, then we would be hypocrites if we didn't forgive and forget our own sins too.”

Dang it.

Maybe its just me, idk if you are struggling with this or not but I NEVER would have thought it would be so hard to forgive MYSELF. To forget my own past mistakes. Whenever i think about becoming more like Christ i always think about how hard it must be to continue to strive to be better. Ive never thought that Gods plan for us and Jesus's Christ gift of repentance to us would be so great that a hard part about it would be us forgiving ourselves. If I repent, I'm forgiven. Instant, loving, unwavering forgivness. 

Have I ever forgiven someone like that? 

Going back to “The Imperfect Harvest” Elder Vern P. Stanfield goes on to say:

“Becoming perfected in Christ is another matter. It is the process—lovingly guided by the Holy Ghost—of becoming more like the Savior. The standards are set by a kind and all-knowing Heavenly Father and clearly defined in the covenants we are invited to embrace. It relieves us of the burdens of guilt and inadequacy, always emphasizing who we are in the sight of God. While this process lifts us and pushes us to become better, we are measured by our personal devotion to God that we manifest in our efforts to follow Him in faith. As we accept the Savior’s invitation to come unto Him, we soon realize that our best is good enough and that the grace of a loving Savior will make up the difference in ways we cannot imagine.”

Our best is good enough. While that doesn't mean we settle for who we are now. The best we can give is good enough. He will perfect the rest. 

Glad I started this mid-week cause there's no way I would've written this otherwise. 

Highlights:

-Zone confrence 

-Exchanges

-Futsal

-Pday

Zone Conference:

Had a Zone Conference this past week. First one where I had to prep a training and all that. It was pretty fun and I really felt the spirit. I don't know if it was cause I played a part in preparing one of the trainings or not but hey a win is a win. Also had a lot of people say it was a really good Zone conference so that's always good! It was awesome seeing everybody too, it's kinda weird pretty much knowing everybody who comes to Zone conference better than I would before but it makes it even more fun. Also had an interview w prez, this time was nothing special which I'm pretty glad about. Can't have this guy cooking some crazy future for me.

Exchanges:

Had two more exchanges. Both i stayed in the area which is always a win. One with Payne 長老 from shimonoseki. We got back from Zone conference stuffed like pigs and I had a meal appointment set up so we waddled out way to the katsu place to meet with our friend kazuhiro. The katsu was pretty good and kazuhiro paid for us but oh my days I thought i was gonna die from overeating. I made a joke that I wanna sleep after (kanak attack) but Kazuhiro told us if we do that we would get fat. Brah. I'm cooked. Anyways overall Payne 長老 was awesome, we talked a lot about past mistakes and the atonement it was FIREEE. Not gonna lie I was burnt out for Williams 長老’s exchange and he was having some companion problems before. So we talked about that. When it was time for sleep though I was so tiredd brah. It was fun overall tho!

Futsal:

Played Futsal again and more friends came, love playing soccer and just makes me more excited to go back and play all kind of sports with all the friends up at college (I'm not trunky I swear)

Pday:

Today one of the sister's (Pollister 姉妹) parents told her they would pay for us to eat somewhere! Letsssssss gooooo! We all wanted yakiniku but all the places in kitakyushu are open at night so we ended up going to this Korean fried chicken place. It was pretty gas but it cannot bean vons chicken back in hawaii fr. That place was too good. Anyways super grateful to her parents though, decided to buy ice cream for everybody after, it was a blast :)

Kay den, Das all

Shoots!

愛してるよ

エリス長老

TheRisingSon